The word engagement is used mainly for two purposes; to say two people are in love and committing to each other and to describe what happens in a battle. The word engagement originated in about the 1660s to mean battle, it came to mean to committed to be married about 80 years later in the 1740s.
Love is supposed to be about peace, but we use words of war to describe how love works. I was watching Braveheart (yeah, I know...not the best movie for a woman who lives alone to watch....lol) and thought about how men fight for love, or the fight in the absence of love. What, if not love, is there to fight about?
We fight wars for the love of gods, women, beliefs, values, culture, and land. Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. Zeus, the God of gods, also the God of war. All wars have been fought for love of someone or something. We advocate because we have passion about a cause. We sacrifice to ensure the people we love are taken care of in the future. We even give up someone we love so they can find happiness because love means that we care more about them then ourselves. I love the line in the movie "Bruce" when Bruce has died near the end and he tells God (in the form of Morgan Freeman) that he only wants his girlfriend to be happy, for someone to see her as he does now, through God's eyes.
**Disclaimer (I use gender terms here in my own voice, not speaking for anyone else or implying that any man or woman is stereotypical, so if I use a gender term, please know it speaks to both genders, just being used from my perspective.)
I wanted someone to fight for me once (well, maybe twice). I needed someone to fight for me and it didn't happen. Maybe it wasn't supposed to happen in the grand scheme of things, or maybe it was one of those cosmic mistakes. And it wasn't just once, it was several times. And always times that I was most vulnerable and needed to feel important (see graphic #1). So my self-esteem was crushed, my self-worth was destroyed and my ability to trust people was gone. The more it happened, the less of me was left.
But I learned something very valuable after that, I was worth fighting for. God fights for me everyday. I fight for myself every day. I still have issues and baggage, but who doesn't? But I do know that I am important and I keep my baggage down to no more than I can carry alone. Because of faith in God and myself, I am whole and happy and worthy of being fought for, of being loved.
Sounds a little self-centered, doesn't it? There were times I needed someone to fight for me; to protect me, to love me, to stay with me. And in the end, I had to heal. Why are love and relationships such battles, why are they so entwined with the words of war?
Maybe our language has more to do with it than we thought? We engage in relationships, we battle and fight for love, we pursue those we want, we kidnap their heart, love conquers all, we feel fireworks, we heal from our wounds of lost love, we are struck by lightening, we strategize on how to win someone. Even cupid pierces us with his little, heart shaped arrows. Our language of love is filled with words of war. Why do we fight it so hard? Why do we create a culture of pain and battle when it comes to something that should bring us joy and peace?
We are afraid of rejection. We fear losing someone we love so we create equality to war to allow us to win or lose without having to take personal responsibility if it doesn't work out the way we want. If we win we are victorious and conquerors. But if we lose it is because of the circumstances or something else we can blame (thoughts of the many people who have said I am not ready for a relationship, I am still not over someone else, I don't trust easily, I have been hurt, I am too afraid of commitment, etc....) Maybe what we are really fighting is the truth? We all know right from wrong. We all know that if someone is being hurt, we protect them; if we love someone, we stand by them. But maybe we are so scared that those we protect and stand by will rebuff us, walk away after we have sacrificed for them. So, if we equate love to war and we lose, we can be the victim. We can move the responsibility to someone else or circumstances rather than have to take personal responsibility for what we really threw away quite willingly. But in the end, it is all about trust. We are afraid to trust in something we can not see, something with no guarantees. But even those of us with the worst trust issues don't want to be alone. So some of us risk it anyway. Only to be rebuffed by those who haven't figured out that taking the risk is so much better than left wondering why we didn't. Wondering why we were so afraid to trust again.
Is that fair? To say we threw away someone willingly because we didn't protect or stand by them? Yes, I think it is fair. Harsh, but fair. If you allow someone to slip through your fingers because you were afraid, unsure, scared, or didn't realize what would happen, how can you blame anyone but yourself? Ask yourself, why are you afraid of being honest about feelings that are so good and so unafraid of giving up something that is the equivalent to everything we all search for in life? Are we afraid of losing the battle? Are we afraid of fighting and being victorious? Are we afraid of being honest only to be told they don't feel the same way?
Yes, we are. But here is the truth of it all. If you are never honest about how you feel or willing to stand by someone you love, you have already lost. Why not take the risk? Why not engage in the battle for honest love. Why not take the risk and tell someone how you feel, before they are lost? Why not risk all to protect love? If you don't, you lose anyway. If you do, you may just win the greatest battle of all, the battle for true love.
Maybe we just need to change our perspective, our language. If we stop using terms of war to describe love, maybe we can start to believe in it again. Maybe we can learn to trust instead of battle, uphold instead of engage, be worthy instead of fight. Maybe if we think of the possibility of joy instead of focusing on the possibility of pain we will lose our fear and take more chances in finding and being open to love.
This Valentine's Day, if you are not in a relationship, take a risk and tell someone how you really feel that you are afraid to tell. What is the worst that could happen? William Wallace in the movie "Braveheart" didn't fight because he thought Scotland shouldn't be ruled by the English. He fought for the love of a woman who loved him. He was not afraid to be honest. The worst that happened was that he felt love and died knowing he would be reunited with the love he lost. Not really such a bad thing when you think about it. We are all going to die. Wouldn't it be better to know when our time was up that we also loved and were loved? Why would anyone want to wait another minute for that to start? In the infamous words of Billy Crystal, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
Be brave, take a chance. <3
Love is supposed to be about peace, but we use words of war to describe how love works. I was watching Braveheart (yeah, I know...not the best movie for a woman who lives alone to watch....lol) and thought about how men fight for love, or the fight in the absence of love. What, if not love, is there to fight about?
We fight wars for the love of gods, women, beliefs, values, culture, and land. Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. Zeus, the God of gods, also the God of war. All wars have been fought for love of someone or something. We advocate because we have passion about a cause. We sacrifice to ensure the people we love are taken care of in the future. We even give up someone we love so they can find happiness because love means that we care more about them then ourselves. I love the line in the movie "Bruce" when Bruce has died near the end and he tells God (in the form of Morgan Freeman) that he only wants his girlfriend to be happy, for someone to see her as he does now, through God's eyes.
**Disclaimer (I use gender terms here in my own voice, not speaking for anyone else or implying that any man or woman is stereotypical, so if I use a gender term, please know it speaks to both genders, just being used from my perspective.)
I wanted someone to fight for me once (well, maybe twice). I needed someone to fight for me and it didn't happen. Maybe it wasn't supposed to happen in the grand scheme of things, or maybe it was one of those cosmic mistakes. And it wasn't just once, it was several times. And always times that I was most vulnerable and needed to feel important (see graphic #1). So my self-esteem was crushed, my self-worth was destroyed and my ability to trust people was gone. The more it happened, the less of me was left.
But I learned something very valuable after that, I was worth fighting for. God fights for me everyday. I fight for myself every day. I still have issues and baggage, but who doesn't? But I do know that I am important and I keep my baggage down to no more than I can carry alone. Because of faith in God and myself, I am whole and happy and worthy of being fought for, of being loved.
Sounds a little self-centered, doesn't it? There were times I needed someone to fight for me; to protect me, to love me, to stay with me. And in the end, I had to heal. Why are love and relationships such battles, why are they so entwined with the words of war?
Maybe our language has more to do with it than we thought? We engage in relationships, we battle and fight for love, we pursue those we want, we kidnap their heart, love conquers all, we feel fireworks, we heal from our wounds of lost love, we are struck by lightening, we strategize on how to win someone. Even cupid pierces us with his little, heart shaped arrows. Our language of love is filled with words of war. Why do we fight it so hard? Why do we create a culture of pain and battle when it comes to something that should bring us joy and peace?
We are afraid of rejection. We fear losing someone we love so we create equality to war to allow us to win or lose without having to take personal responsibility if it doesn't work out the way we want. If we win we are victorious and conquerors. But if we lose it is because of the circumstances or something else we can blame (thoughts of the many people who have said I am not ready for a relationship, I am still not over someone else, I don't trust easily, I have been hurt, I am too afraid of commitment, etc....) Maybe what we are really fighting is the truth? We all know right from wrong. We all know that if someone is being hurt, we protect them; if we love someone, we stand by them. But maybe we are so scared that those we protect and stand by will rebuff us, walk away after we have sacrificed for them. So, if we equate love to war and we lose, we can be the victim. We can move the responsibility to someone else or circumstances rather than have to take personal responsibility for what we really threw away quite willingly. But in the end, it is all about trust. We are afraid to trust in something we can not see, something with no guarantees. But even those of us with the worst trust issues don't want to be alone. So some of us risk it anyway. Only to be rebuffed by those who haven't figured out that taking the risk is so much better than left wondering why we didn't. Wondering why we were so afraid to trust again.
Is that fair? To say we threw away someone willingly because we didn't protect or stand by them? Yes, I think it is fair. Harsh, but fair. If you allow someone to slip through your fingers because you were afraid, unsure, scared, or didn't realize what would happen, how can you blame anyone but yourself? Ask yourself, why are you afraid of being honest about feelings that are so good and so unafraid of giving up something that is the equivalent to everything we all search for in life? Are we afraid of losing the battle? Are we afraid of fighting and being victorious? Are we afraid of being honest only to be told they don't feel the same way?
Yes, we are. But here is the truth of it all. If you are never honest about how you feel or willing to stand by someone you love, you have already lost. Why not take the risk? Why not engage in the battle for honest love. Why not take the risk and tell someone how you feel, before they are lost? Why not risk all to protect love? If you don't, you lose anyway. If you do, you may just win the greatest battle of all, the battle for true love.
Maybe we just need to change our perspective, our language. If we stop using terms of war to describe love, maybe we can start to believe in it again. Maybe we can learn to trust instead of battle, uphold instead of engage, be worthy instead of fight. Maybe if we think of the possibility of joy instead of focusing on the possibility of pain we will lose our fear and take more chances in finding and being open to love.
This Valentine's Day, if you are not in a relationship, take a risk and tell someone how you really feel that you are afraid to tell. What is the worst that could happen? William Wallace in the movie "Braveheart" didn't fight because he thought Scotland shouldn't be ruled by the English. He fought for the love of a woman who loved him. He was not afraid to be honest. The worst that happened was that he felt love and died knowing he would be reunited with the love he lost. Not really such a bad thing when you think about it. We are all going to die. Wouldn't it be better to know when our time was up that we also loved and were loved? Why would anyone want to wait another minute for that to start? In the infamous words of Billy Crystal, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
Be brave, take a chance. <3