I love this picture to the left. It is immediately taken as a very sorrowful picture, a small child in a graveyard. Maybe looking for someone they loved that was taken so soon into their own life. Maybe lost and looking for security and safety in the shadow of the church. But maybe it isn't sad at all.
I saw this picture originally when it was posted by an artist on facebook. There were no credits, so I don't know who to thank for creating it, but I thank him for sharing it. This photo, first seen by me less than two months ago, has had a profound affect on my emotional state. I immediately saw joy in this picture and I have to explain why so I can explain the title of this post.
In the summer of 2007 I moved back to Florida, to an area I had never been in before, to start a new chapter of my life. My kids were grown and leading their own lives, my work was not where I wanted it to be, and I needed a change from the life I had just finished living that I started with my ex-husband. That had been our life, now I needed mine.
I have always been a positive person, a happy person. Despite some very traumatic experiences, I tried to always focus on what good could come from the bad, what rights could be made from the wrongs, and who could be helped because of the knowledge of what I had experienced. And until a few months ago, I was always, over all, a very happy person. Then I allowed myself to be shaken to the core. I allowed something, and someone to change that. I allowed myself to think that I needed someone in my life to be happy. And I became sad.
Now granted, it was not their fault by any means. I became dependent on the time we spent together, the things we shared, the knowledge of there being someone there to turn to and lean on. It wasn't that this person was in my life, but that I allowed myself to become dependent on them, and....yes.....to trust them. Ouch......now while I do want to learn to trust more and am working on that, my inability to trust does not have anything to do with this. But it does relate to the need for boundaries and self protection. Let me explain....
I believe that we can trust people to certain extents. But when people violate our trust, it isn't because they did something wrong against us, it is because we expected too much from them. That is unfair of us to put expectations on people or relationships that they are unable to fulfill. So when I say I trusted this person, it is because I put too many expectations on what the friendship was able to fulfill, not because the other person did something to violate their promises.
So, the first way that I found my happiness again was to rediscover the fact that I had placed those expectations on that person, regardless of any promises or statements they made, my expectations of them were unrealistic. That was my fault. Once I stopped having expectations, I no longer felt my trust had been violated.
The next step was to realize that I didn't need to break down all my walls. Oh, we say that, walls hide us and protect us from the bad and the good and if we don't ever let anyone in, we will always be alone. But walls are of a height. Walls are tall or short. Walls are penetrable with doors and windows or can be impenetrable of solid material. I had gone from no walls to impenetrable walls. I forgot that there was room for doors and windows. And that I could lower my walls some without breaking them down completely. So my walls are lower, though still tall, but they also have some hidden windows and doors where, if I choose, I can let people in just a little ways, or completely, or even somewhere in the middle of all that. I can let people peek over the top, or stick their heads in the windows, or even walk completely in through the door; or I can keep them out if I choose. if I choose. The point is, I can make the choices based on the individual, not group everyone together as all in or all out.
My third step, and the one that caused me to wake up with a smile on my face for the first time in several months, was that I had more courage than I realized. I had been afraid of life alone. I had been afraid of some major decisions coming up in my life without having someone to counsel with, to brainstorm with, to help make sure I was making the right choices. Then last night I was at church for Ash Wednesday service. As I was having ashes placed on my forehead by the priest, I realized that I already had all the counsel I needed. I had God. God had given me three things according to the doctrines of my church, that I needed to make any decision in my life; Reason, Experience, and Faith. He gave me one other thing that wasn't included in the doctrines, Intelligence. And not out of pride, but out of gratfullness to God, He gave me a whole lot of it.
When that hit me last night, I realized that this was truly a gift that I had been shunning and denying for the past few months. I knew at that moment that I didn't need anyone. I had everyone I ever needed....God. God will bring people into my life and take them out of my life as He sees fit. When I need someone to learn from, He will put them in my life. When I no longer need to learn from them, He will remove them. And I will remain ever so happy.
Now, being happy does not mean I will never be sad or angry. I will continue to experience the full range of emotions that God has graced us with. Fear will continue to keep me from doing things that can put me in harm's way. Anger will continue to drive me to change the wrongs of the world. Sadness will continue to allow me to acknowledge loss in my life and make me realize how much I should never take Joy for granted. Frustration will keep me from being stagnant in my life and force me to continue to grow and learn. And those other negative emotions we feel occassionally that we don't like to admit such as envy, spite, and hatred, will hopfully continue to show me that I am not perfect and I still have work to do and room to grow in God's love. For when we are perfect, we will no longer be of this earth. And while I do look forward to that day someday, I still have so much to learn, share, and love in this life that I am not quite ready to go on to the next yet.
So for this, to that person I started to depend on and who I have now learned I no longer need in my life; you are welcome to be in my life again but from the outside of the walls, looking through the windows. I will wave hello now and then, and ask how you are doing because I do care how your life is going. But you will never be let back in completely. Not because of you, but because that is where I need you to be. This is my life and I will start, from today, to live it by my rules again. I do hope, someday in the future, you peek through the window again, but if you don't, know that I an happy. And will stay that way. I have finally figured it out and you were instrumental in me finding my way back on the path that I had allowed myself to stray from. And for that, I will always be grateful.
In 38 days we will celebrate the renewed life of Jesus in the celebration of Easter. I will be one who will be renewing my baptismal vows in church as with His resurrection we will all be given eternal life. And while I have faith, even if my belief in the actual events differ from the faithful story of Easter, I do believe that self sacrifice for my sins was committed and that my life is important. So instead of acting like I have been dismissed or forgotten, I will continue to remind myself of the importance of my life to carry out the will of God as I believe it and to always be grateful for the gifts I have been given, even if they differ from the gifts other receive. And if there is someone God wants me to share my life with, I am sure He has made him smart enough to find me and to recognize me when our paths finally, if ever they do, cross. If not, I will remind myself that the gifts of God are not always ones that look like someone else's gifts, but that does not ever make them less valuable.
As we embark on this Lenten season, I hope for all of you to find the strength to be formidable in your faith and values, the joy to celebrate your life for how truly amazing it is despite anything you think may be wrong with it, and the utter courage to be "deep down to the soul" happy.
And the picture....why did I see joy in it? Because I saw a small child seeking the relief from all her terrors and pains at church in the loving company of those who have suffered before her and still found the joy to live the life God gave them and pass into his everlasting love. What a wonderful place to be when you are hurting......I found myself and my joy again by crying in his arms and this picture is a vision of that. Of His love.
I saw this picture originally when it was posted by an artist on facebook. There were no credits, so I don't know who to thank for creating it, but I thank him for sharing it. This photo, first seen by me less than two months ago, has had a profound affect on my emotional state. I immediately saw joy in this picture and I have to explain why so I can explain the title of this post.
In the summer of 2007 I moved back to Florida, to an area I had never been in before, to start a new chapter of my life. My kids were grown and leading their own lives, my work was not where I wanted it to be, and I needed a change from the life I had just finished living that I started with my ex-husband. That had been our life, now I needed mine.
I have always been a positive person, a happy person. Despite some very traumatic experiences, I tried to always focus on what good could come from the bad, what rights could be made from the wrongs, and who could be helped because of the knowledge of what I had experienced. And until a few months ago, I was always, over all, a very happy person. Then I allowed myself to be shaken to the core. I allowed something, and someone to change that. I allowed myself to think that I needed someone in my life to be happy. And I became sad.
Now granted, it was not their fault by any means. I became dependent on the time we spent together, the things we shared, the knowledge of there being someone there to turn to and lean on. It wasn't that this person was in my life, but that I allowed myself to become dependent on them, and....yes.....to trust them. Ouch......now while I do want to learn to trust more and am working on that, my inability to trust does not have anything to do with this. But it does relate to the need for boundaries and self protection. Let me explain....
I believe that we can trust people to certain extents. But when people violate our trust, it isn't because they did something wrong against us, it is because we expected too much from them. That is unfair of us to put expectations on people or relationships that they are unable to fulfill. So when I say I trusted this person, it is because I put too many expectations on what the friendship was able to fulfill, not because the other person did something to violate their promises.
So, the first way that I found my happiness again was to rediscover the fact that I had placed those expectations on that person, regardless of any promises or statements they made, my expectations of them were unrealistic. That was my fault. Once I stopped having expectations, I no longer felt my trust had been violated.
The next step was to realize that I didn't need to break down all my walls. Oh, we say that, walls hide us and protect us from the bad and the good and if we don't ever let anyone in, we will always be alone. But walls are of a height. Walls are tall or short. Walls are penetrable with doors and windows or can be impenetrable of solid material. I had gone from no walls to impenetrable walls. I forgot that there was room for doors and windows. And that I could lower my walls some without breaking them down completely. So my walls are lower, though still tall, but they also have some hidden windows and doors where, if I choose, I can let people in just a little ways, or completely, or even somewhere in the middle of all that. I can let people peek over the top, or stick their heads in the windows, or even walk completely in through the door; or I can keep them out if I choose. if I choose. The point is, I can make the choices based on the individual, not group everyone together as all in or all out.
My third step, and the one that caused me to wake up with a smile on my face for the first time in several months, was that I had more courage than I realized. I had been afraid of life alone. I had been afraid of some major decisions coming up in my life without having someone to counsel with, to brainstorm with, to help make sure I was making the right choices. Then last night I was at church for Ash Wednesday service. As I was having ashes placed on my forehead by the priest, I realized that I already had all the counsel I needed. I had God. God had given me three things according to the doctrines of my church, that I needed to make any decision in my life; Reason, Experience, and Faith. He gave me one other thing that wasn't included in the doctrines, Intelligence. And not out of pride, but out of gratfullness to God, He gave me a whole lot of it.
When that hit me last night, I realized that this was truly a gift that I had been shunning and denying for the past few months. I knew at that moment that I didn't need anyone. I had everyone I ever needed....God. God will bring people into my life and take them out of my life as He sees fit. When I need someone to learn from, He will put them in my life. When I no longer need to learn from them, He will remove them. And I will remain ever so happy.
Now, being happy does not mean I will never be sad or angry. I will continue to experience the full range of emotions that God has graced us with. Fear will continue to keep me from doing things that can put me in harm's way. Anger will continue to drive me to change the wrongs of the world. Sadness will continue to allow me to acknowledge loss in my life and make me realize how much I should never take Joy for granted. Frustration will keep me from being stagnant in my life and force me to continue to grow and learn. And those other negative emotions we feel occassionally that we don't like to admit such as envy, spite, and hatred, will hopfully continue to show me that I am not perfect and I still have work to do and room to grow in God's love. For when we are perfect, we will no longer be of this earth. And while I do look forward to that day someday, I still have so much to learn, share, and love in this life that I am not quite ready to go on to the next yet.
So for this, to that person I started to depend on and who I have now learned I no longer need in my life; you are welcome to be in my life again but from the outside of the walls, looking through the windows. I will wave hello now and then, and ask how you are doing because I do care how your life is going. But you will never be let back in completely. Not because of you, but because that is where I need you to be. This is my life and I will start, from today, to live it by my rules again. I do hope, someday in the future, you peek through the window again, but if you don't, know that I an happy. And will stay that way. I have finally figured it out and you were instrumental in me finding my way back on the path that I had allowed myself to stray from. And for that, I will always be grateful.
In 38 days we will celebrate the renewed life of Jesus in the celebration of Easter. I will be one who will be renewing my baptismal vows in church as with His resurrection we will all be given eternal life. And while I have faith, even if my belief in the actual events differ from the faithful story of Easter, I do believe that self sacrifice for my sins was committed and that my life is important. So instead of acting like I have been dismissed or forgotten, I will continue to remind myself of the importance of my life to carry out the will of God as I believe it and to always be grateful for the gifts I have been given, even if they differ from the gifts other receive. And if there is someone God wants me to share my life with, I am sure He has made him smart enough to find me and to recognize me when our paths finally, if ever they do, cross. If not, I will remind myself that the gifts of God are not always ones that look like someone else's gifts, but that does not ever make them less valuable.
As we embark on this Lenten season, I hope for all of you to find the strength to be formidable in your faith and values, the joy to celebrate your life for how truly amazing it is despite anything you think may be wrong with it, and the utter courage to be "deep down to the soul" happy.
And the picture....why did I see joy in it? Because I saw a small child seeking the relief from all her terrors and pains at church in the loving company of those who have suffered before her and still found the joy to live the life God gave them and pass into his everlasting love. What a wonderful place to be when you are hurting......I found myself and my joy again by crying in his arms and this picture is a vision of that. Of His love.